LOST Thoughts – S5 E13
Here are my thoughts on the thirteenth episode of Lost (season five), “Some Like It Hoth”:
- Teen Miles looks like he rolled in right off the set of “Next Stop Nowhere” (a.k.a. the legendary “punk rock” episode of Quincy, M.E.). The excessive piercings were a nice touch, but that hair really did nothing more than serve as a potential aphrodisiac for Pepe LePew.
- You’d think something like Dharma’s “Circle of Trust” would take years upon years of proven loyalty – and perhaps even some sort of sacred initiation ritual – to penetrate. But as it turns out, it really doesn’t take more than a missing security guy, a corpse in need of moving and the keys to a VW microbus to be given the secret handshake.
- Nice of Hurley to suggest carpooling to prevent future global warming, but if I were Miles, my kneejerk response would have likely been, “That’s great, but do you want to know a REALLY inconvenient truth?!? I’m stuck on this island delivering bodies and sandwiches to my dead deadbeat daddy from 30 years ago! So, sorry about my carbon footprint and all, but I ain’t exactly worried about going green right now.”
- I’ve smelled (and dealt) some pretty disgustingly rancid farts in my time, but nothing that would even remotely compare to the smell of a decomposing corpse. Of course, I say that having never actually smelled a decomposing corpse, but I think it’s a pretty safe assumption based on how rookies on cop shows always react when arriving on their first murder scene.
- I loved how during Hurley’s incognito father-son counseling session, it was Pierre Chang’s admission that he preferred country music to jazz which triggered an immediate and pointed “You really ARE a douche!” look from Miles.
- Hurley should stop wasting his time transcribing The Empire Strikes Back as a favor to George Lucas, and instead do us ALL a favor and completely re-write The Phantom Menace…without Jar-Jar Binks! Because let’s face it: Binks sucks WAY more than Ewoks, dude.
- Did anybody get a close look at what Jack was erasing from the chalkboard in the one-room Dharma schoolhouse when Roger stumbled in demanding answers about Kate? Without having the benefit of going back and more closely inspecting via freeze frame, I’m guessing it was either an ancient Egyptian history/mythology lesson related to the statue or 100 instances of “I will not call my dad a drunken mop jockey in front of my classmates.”
- From Captain and Tennille to Albert Hammond (not The Strokes’ guitarist, but his one-hit wonder daddy), Dharma sure does equip all of their vehicles with an extensive collection of 8-tracks. Do the DeGroots subscribe to Columbia House and just send the latest shipment along with each sub to the island?
- It worked out well for those of us who are fans of Sawyer, but how stupid is Phil for giving the guy who just showed up out of nowhere three years earlier “the benefit of the doubt,” as opposed to those he’s been on the island with much longer. Like the videotape he brought with him, I’m predicting Phil is about to suffer the same fate as Betamax.
- As much as I generally find him to be an annoying and insufferable pain in the ass, I have to admit it was oddly comforting to see Faraday return to the island. Kind of like David Lee Roth returning to Van Halen, only with a full body black ninja suit instead of assless chaps.
LOST Thoughts – S5 E12
Here are my thoughts on the twelfth episode of Lost (season five), “Dead is Dead”:
- This episode was great, if for no other reason than for the sheer quantity of Ben failure. It certainly was satisfying seeing Locke repeatedly overdose Ben on his own medicine at every turn. I haven’t seen Ben that frustrated since he tried to woo Juliet with his meek Leon Phelps impression. (Apparently, Dharma-brand Courvoisier doesn’t quite cut it.)
- The flashback to when twenty-something Ben and his boy wonder sidekick, young Ethan, invade Rousseau’s tent on an assassination mission ordered by middle-aged Widmore reveals two of Ben’s greatest weaknesses: young children and hairstyling. It’s as if Ben asked a senile barber with macular degeneration, “Gimme the ‘Flock of Seagulls,’ Gramps!”
- As for young children being one of Ben’s weaknesses, they apparently render him unable to kill in their presence. Both Rousseau and Penny were spared due to their offspring being in the same frame. As a result, Ben angered Widmore and Widmore’s future son-in-law, Desmond, but for completely different reasons…and with completely different results. Widmore just stormed off to his tent in a huff, but Desmond laid a beating on Ben the likes of which he hasn’t suffered since he was “Henry Gale.”
- Ben also failed when he attempted to summon The Smoke Monster by doing some Roto-Rooting down in the basement. Then, after Locke had to tell him where they needed to go to find The Smoke Monster, Ben tried to reassert his island knowledge superiority by telling Locke and Sun he’d take it from here and head into the temple. That is, until Locke kicked Ben in the nuts yet again by pointing out to him that The Smoke Monster would only be found by taking a trip down into the giant gopher hole that Dharma greenskeeper Carl Spackler had enlarged via squirrel-shaped plastic explosives.
- Once Ben does finally manage to coax The Smoke Monster out from what looks like King Tut’s sewer grate, instead of facing stern judgement, he ends up getting treated to nothing more than a poorly Photoshopped slideshow.
- After the smokiest PowerPoint presentation this side of a quarterly Philip Morris meeting, Ben is rewarded by being reunited with his long-dead faux daughter Alex…who promptly kicks his ass, calls out his secret plan to re-re-re-kill Locke, and politely suggests he reconsider following through on that plan.
- Going back to bad hair for a moment, what was the deal with that hairstyle on thirty-something Widmore? It looked like some sort of grotesque hybrid of Hurley and a flapper.
- Aside from bad hair, another issue regarding Ben and Widmore is quite troubling. Why has Widmore been portrayed by several different age-appropriate actors all the way up through when he reaches middle age, but Ben is played by the same fifty-something guy dating all the way back to when he was 18?
- Can somebody please clarify Alpert’s position on The Others’ org chart? Is he CEO? He claims he doesn’t answer to Widmore or Ben, but he also defers to their leadership. He also makes it clear that Jacob calls the shots. Putting it in the context of a football team, it’s kind of like Jacob is the owner, Alpert is the GM and the head coach is first Widmore, then later Ben. Would that make Ethan their Defensive Coordinator? It’s all so confusing!
- Speaking of confusing, how about Ilana cryptically asking Lapidus “What lies in the shadow of the statue?” She might as well have been asking Dan Rather, “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” or Dustin Hoffman, “Is it safe?”
LOST Thoughts – S5 E11
Here are my thoughts on the eleventh episode of Lost (season five), “Whatever Happened, Happened”:
- It sure didn’t take long for Sawyer’s ex to see right through Kate’s lie. Boy, nothing gets past Sawyer’s baby mama, does it? Well, except Sawyer. Oh, snap!
- I never thought Hurley would serve as a better comedic foil than when partnered with Sawyer, but the debate he had with Miles on the quantum physics of time travel was absolutely hilarious – especially Hurley’s “checkmate” moment when he rendered Miles incapable of explaining why adult Ben doesn’t remember being shot as a child by Sayid. Hurley hasn’t looked that satisfied since he was given the key to the Dharma pantry a couple of seasons ago.
- By the way, Hurley obviously cribbed off my list of LOST Thoughts from last week when he made the Back to the Future disappearing reference. Now that I know he’s reading this, maybe I should start planting cryptic suggestions for what he should do in the next episode. ickKay ilesMay in the utsnay.
- Seems like it’s only a matter of time before LaFleur is exposed. Horace definitely is suspicious of both Kate and Jack, so much so he probably thinks Jack’s the janitor who set free Sayid. I predict it won’t be long before LaFleur gets force fed one of Oldham’s sugar cubes of truth. I only hope when that finally does happen, Sawyer lets loose with all of the hilarious nicknames for Horace he’s undoubtedly been struggling to supress the past three years. Vegas has set the odds at 4-to-1 that the first one will be “Wavy Gravy.”
- Nothing more perfectly illustrates the difference between Juliet and Kate than how Jack was confronted during his shower. Kate would have been so furious with Jack she would have stripped naked in a huff, stormed into the shower and made steamy passionate love with Jack – all the while scowling on the inside, of course. Whereas it was all Juliet could do not to flush the toilet and scald Jack until every last one of his tattoos was unrecognizable.
- Speaking of chemistry, was it just me or did it seem like there might have been a spark between Ben’s Dad and Kate? His empathy for her job misassignment seemed to make her completely forget the fact that he not only fathered Ben, but abused him mercilessly for years. Didn’t she turn her own father into a human bottle rocket for similar transgressions? Can anybody say “Daddy issues?”
- That whole scene with tween Ben being handed over to Richard, who very creepily declares Ben will never be the same before whisking him away to the dark and isolated temple for mysterious (and likely nefarious) reasons, gave me the heebie-jeebies and then some. I’m starting to wonder if in addition to his duties with The Others, maybe Alpert might also be President of the South Pacific chapter of NAMBLA. He and Gary Glitter do appear to wear the same shade of eyeliner.
- The other thing very notable about that scene was Alpert’s response when one of his Other henchmen suggests he tell Widmore and Hawking about wounded tween Ben being delivered by Sawyer and Kate. It was such a childish “THEY’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” moment, it should have been scored by They Might Be Giants. Life is unfairrrrrrrrrrr…
- I’m an emotionally hardened middle-aged man who rarely, if ever, sheds tears. But I’ll be damned if I wasn’t getting choked up at that scene where Kate kisses Aaron goodbye while he sleeps two hotel rooms down from Grandma Littlefield. It was like Brian’s Song, Old Yeller and the “THEY TOOK THE BAR!” scene from Animal House all rolled into one.
- Adult Ben’s expression when awaking to shockingly find the resurrected John Locke sitting at his bedside was priceless. It was a complete role reversal between Ben and Locke – the first time in the entire series where it finally seemed like Locke had the upper hand on Ben. I think the only thing that could possibly have freaked out Ben even more would have been if his Dad came by and asked to change out his bedpan.
Autopsy of a Bracket
This is the tragic story of how I went from first to worst in my office bracket pool. Consider it a cautionary tale, if you will.
Thursday, March 19: Day One
After whiffing on the very first game of the tournament (Butler-LSU), I went on an amazing 15-game winning streak to end the day at 15-1. The final two games of the night (UCLA-VCU and WKU-Illinois) were nailbiters, but I emerged victorious in both. Things could not be off to a better start!
Friday, March 20: Day Two
My hot streak continues, as I correctly pick the first nine games of the day, upping my record to 24-1. My first loss of the day (Arizona-Utah) would unfortunately not be my last. The shocking upset of Wake Forest by Cleveland State certainly hurt, but not nearly as much as dropping both of the late OT thrillers (Ohio St.-Siena and Florida State-Wisconsin). Though my record at the end of the day, 27-5, was still pretty good, I had already lost two of my Sweet Sixteen. It was definitely a sign of things to come as play moved into the second round.
Saturday, March 21: Day Three
I have a solid day, going 7-1. Even though I only missed one pick, it caused me a good bit of agony, as it was a hotly-contested two-point loss (WKU-Gonzaga). Still, 34-6 is great, as is having all of my Final Four and Elite Eight still intact. I was down to 13 of my Sweet Sixteen, though, so not everything was perfect.
Sunday, March 22: Day Four
Here’s where some real chinks in the armor started to appear. Due to Friday’s results, I had already lost two of Sunday’s games before they even tipped off. I really needed to win the remaining six games on Sunday to keep things on track. Five were no problem, but the sixth proved to be the beginning of the end. The one game I will forever look back on as the undoing of my 2009 bracket is Marquette-Mizzou. Mizzou led throughout, but thanks to a late rally, Marquette had seemingly seized control late. After an amazing three-point play by Lazar Hayward put Marquette up 78-74 with 1:59 remaining, it seemed Mizzou had let things slip away. But much to my chagrin, Mizzou ended the game on a 9-1 run to steal the win and seriously damage my hopes. I had slipped to 39-9 overall, and was down to only 12 of my Sweet Sixteen. My only remaining hope would be to have a perfect run through the Elite Eight and Final Four.
Thursday, March 26: Day Five
The first two games of the day go my way (UConn-Purdue and Pitt-Xavier), but things get ugly quick after that. Ordinarily, seeing Duke blown out would bring me tremendous joy, but I foolishly picked them to advance, which they decidedly did not. But the real sucking flesh wound of the day was Mizzou’s defeat of Memphis. I had Memphis in the Final Four, and am still convinced they would have NOT lost to Marquette. Once again, that Marquette-Mizzou game comes back to haunt me, but this time in a serious way. 41-11 overall may not seem bad, but losing one of my Final Four is a crushing blow.
Friday, March 27: Day Six
This could have been a final chance at redemption, and winning three of these games got me so very close. However, another in a seemingly endless series of late night close games gone wrong (KU-Michigan St.) downgraded my bracket’s condition from serious to critical. I was definitely in the ICU now, with defibs on standby. 44-12 overall.
Saturday, March 28: Day Seven
Mizzou gets their comeuppance two rounds too late for me, and ‘Nova shocks Pitt, which means I’ve now lost two of my Final Four. 44-14 overall, but does it even matter anymore? Someone should probably call for Last Rites about now.
Sunday, March 29: Day Eight
The only thin shred of hope, the final sign of life for me, is that both games going my way today would keep my Championship Final intact and give me an extremely outside shot at pulling off the death bed miracle. Alas, ’twas not meant to be, as both Michigan State and North Carolina pull my plug. 44-16 overall means nothing, because I have NONE of the Final Four. Zero. Zilch. And what began as such a promising run, ended in spectacularly disastrous fashion.
I’ve had some crap brackets before, but never have I been completely dead going into the Final Four. I don’t know if there’s a lesson to be learned here, kids, other than the first round don’t mean jack – and never, EVER get cocky and obnoxious about getting of to a fast start.
LOST Thoughts – S5 E10
Here are my thoughts on the tenth episode of Lost (season five), “He’s Our You”:
- That opening scene with young Sayid really illustrates just how different it is growing up in Iraq. I mean, where else would a younger brother teach his older brother how to choke the chicken??? It’s pretty much the other way around in every other country.
- Uncle Rico may not have been able to throw a football over them mountains, but he sure as heck can knock a chicken salad sandwich across the room (not to mention tween Ben).
- Did Horace really need to bring so many henchmen with him when they took Sayid out to the woods? Couldn’t Oldham have just asked his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl to handcuff Sayid to those trees?
- If you’re going to have Jack be a janitor and Kate be a mechanic, shouldn’t Hurley also be assigned a job completely foreign to his set of skills, and not something so obviously familiar as FRY COOK?!? The last time he held such a position, his restaurant was taken out by a meteor. Note to Kate and Jack: get all meals from the mess hall TO GO!
- As much as I’m hoping Sayid, Jack and the rest of the time bandits are able to keep the Dharma purge from happening, I sure wouldn’t mind seeing Radzinsky locked in Uncle Rico’s microbus with a Raid fogger. Either that, or maybe at least let Sawyer torch his tongue depressor model while forcing Radzinsky to stand by and watch. Geez, that guy is annoying!
- Sayid’s achilles heel is heavily armed sexually aggressive women. There’s a reason Ben didn’t send Dog the Bounty Hunter after him.
- Not to question LaFleur’s tactics or anything, but instead of having dimwit Phil at the jailhouse monitoring station keeping guard over Sayid and all who enter/exit his cell, wouldn’t it make more sense to bring Jin in from his hostile border patrol duties and send Phil out to keep the jungle safe from any other potential handcuffed Iraqis who might be wandering the island? WWWCD? (what would Winston Churchill do?)
- I know things like flaming arrows, smoke monsters and brain-melting sonic fences would probably top the list of most people’s reasons to avoid the island, but for me, the number one reason I’d never want to be stuck on that godforsaken island is because LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW = WATCHING TV. Watching Amy hang onesies on the clothesline just isn’t quite as compelling to me as March Madness.
- Going back to the misassigned jobs for a moment, based on her inability to so much as cook bacon and his well-chronicled struggles with car repair, shouldn’t Juliet and Hurley swap positions?
- That may have been the best, most shocking ending to an episode so far. Somewhere, Marty McFly is holding a picture in which Ben is slowly disappearing.
Nailing The Triple Lindy 